fic: if these walls could talk... (x-men)
Aug. 8th, 2006 08:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crankylexTITLE: If These Walls Could Talk...
AUTHOR: Lex
EMAIL: lex@bitchenvy.com
'VERSE: AU
SPOILERS: None.
GENRE: Humor
RATING: R, for language and imagery
DISCLAIMER: All X-Men characters, concepts, etc. are
copyright Stan Lee, Marvel Entertainment, and 20th Century Fox. This work is not-for-profit fanfiction, and no infringement is intended.
PAIRINGS: Logan/Rogue
SUMMARY: Another slice of domestic life at the mansion. Jubilee has trouble sleeping.
NOTE: This has absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. In fact, I should be ashamed of myself. I'm not, but I should be. :-)
Feedback is always welcomed.
===========================================
Living next to Rogue and Logan was tough.
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.Bangbangbangbangbang.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Jubilee snarled, flinging a pillow at the wall. "Don't those two ever stop?"
Kitty peeked her head out from underneath her covers. "At least you don't have to share a wall with them. I think I might be permanently deaf."
"I didn't even think about that. Come over here, it's safe over here."
Kitty padded over, extra pillows for muffling sound in tow.
***
An hour later, the banging had only increased in frequency.
Jubilee couldn't take it for one more minute. She climbed over Kitty, who had miraculously managed to fall asleep, and stomped out of room. She didn't even bother to knock, she just flung open the door and got an eyeful of Logan's naked ass.
"Jubes!!!" Rogue squealed.
Logan just snarled at the delay in his latest orgasm.
"People. Are trying. To. SLEEP!! We get it, okay, we totally get the whole healing factor let's fuck all night thing, but the rest of us without healing factors need to sleep. Which we can't do because all we hear is 'Oh, God, yes, Logan, please, right there, sugar, right there' all goddamn night long."
Rogue blushed scarlet. "Oh, Jubes, I didn't...I mean...we're that loud?"
"Yes, you are," Piotr shouted from down the hall.
"Logan, you're a sex god. We all know it, we all bow down to your almighty cock, now can you put it away so we can get some sleep?" Jubes pleaded.
"Oh God!" Rogue was mortified. She was even more mortified when hail slammed into her window at the sound of her exclamation.
It seemed that Ororo was also awake.
"Jubes, we'll stop right now, I promise!"
"No we won't!" Logan stared at his girlfriend, aghast.
"Sugar, hush, we're keepin' everyone else up."
"I don't give a good goddamn who else is up, as long as I am!!"
Thunder rumbled ominously in the distance.
[Logan, Rogue, why don't you go downstairs and use one of the diagnostic beds? They have stirrups and everything.]
Rogue covered her face, ready to implode from her embarrassment, but Logan looked intrigued at Jean's suggestion.
[Are there any, whaddya call 'em, those tong things--]
[--LOGAN! I never needed to know that about your sex life.]
The Professor's mental voice cut through their petty squabbles. {I realize that you are all adults, but you will always be my children. This means that I never want to know anything, ever, about your sex lives. I don't even want to know that you are having sex lives. Is this clear? Don't force me to start discussing *my* sex life.}
Everyone winced.
Scott, clad in Bugs Bunny pajamas, staggered into the hallway. "Hey, skunk bear."
Logan had given up on his latest orgasm by this point and had pulled on a pair of boxers. He stood, arms crossed against his chest. His extremely muscular and yummy looking chest, Jubilee noted to herself.
"One-Eye?" he growled.
After he reached the doorway, Scott pitched something at Logan. "There. Those are the keys to my new Expedition. Go defile it or something, will you?"?
Logan lit up like it was Christmas morning and there was a lifetime supply of beer, cigars and blowjobs under the tree. He clutched the keys to his chest and started for the door.
"Hey!" Rogue exclaimed indignantly. "What about me?"
"Oh. Heh."
She glared at him while wrapping herself up in the sheet, toga style. "C'mon, you big jackass. Let's go, before we piss anyone else off."
"Baby, are you mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you? It's not like you ever forgot me somewhere because you were so involved in following a brand new motorcycle. Oh wait, you did. Oh, and remember the time you promised to pick me up at the airport? Remember what you did instead?"
Rogue's bitching got further and further away, until there was silence.
Jubilee was so happy she hugged Scott. He patted her on the back, then lurched back to bed.
*Finally* there was peace and quiet in the x-mansion. Jubilee sighed in relief as she crawled back into bed. Then she heard it. Moaning. She didn't understand it, because it was in French, but some things were universal.
From throughout the mansion, one word was yelled by everyone at the same time.
"REMY!!!!!"
THE END!
AUTHOR: Lex
EMAIL: lex@bitchenvy.com
'VERSE: AU
SPOILERS: None.
GENRE: Humor
RATING: R, for language and imagery
DISCLAIMER: All X-Men characters, concepts, etc. are
copyright Stan Lee, Marvel Entertainment, and 20th Century Fox. This work is not-for-profit fanfiction, and no infringement is intended.
PAIRINGS: Logan/Rogue
SUMMARY: Another slice of domestic life at the mansion. Jubilee has trouble sleeping.
NOTE: This has absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. In fact, I should be ashamed of myself. I'm not, but I should be. :-)
Feedback is always welcomed.
===========================================
Living next to Rogue and Logan was tough.
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.Bangbangbangbangbang.
"Oh, for fuck's sake," Jubilee snarled, flinging a pillow at the wall. "Don't those two ever stop?"
Kitty peeked her head out from underneath her covers. "At least you don't have to share a wall with them. I think I might be permanently deaf."
"I didn't even think about that. Come over here, it's safe over here."
Kitty padded over, extra pillows for muffling sound in tow.
***
An hour later, the banging had only increased in frequency.
Jubilee couldn't take it for one more minute. She climbed over Kitty, who had miraculously managed to fall asleep, and stomped out of room. She didn't even bother to knock, she just flung open the door and got an eyeful of Logan's naked ass.
"Jubes!!!" Rogue squealed.
Logan just snarled at the delay in his latest orgasm.
"People. Are trying. To. SLEEP!! We get it, okay, we totally get the whole healing factor let's fuck all night thing, but the rest of us without healing factors need to sleep. Which we can't do because all we hear is 'Oh, God, yes, Logan, please, right there, sugar, right there' all goddamn night long."
Rogue blushed scarlet. "Oh, Jubes, I didn't...I mean...we're that loud?"
"Yes, you are," Piotr shouted from down the hall.
"Logan, you're a sex god. We all know it, we all bow down to your almighty cock, now can you put it away so we can get some sleep?" Jubes pleaded.
"Oh God!" Rogue was mortified. She was even more mortified when hail slammed into her window at the sound of her exclamation.
It seemed that Ororo was also awake.
"Jubes, we'll stop right now, I promise!"
"No we won't!" Logan stared at his girlfriend, aghast.
"Sugar, hush, we're keepin' everyone else up."
"I don't give a good goddamn who else is up, as long as I am!!"
Thunder rumbled ominously in the distance.
[Logan, Rogue, why don't you go downstairs and use one of the diagnostic beds? They have stirrups and everything.]
Rogue covered her face, ready to implode from her embarrassment, but Logan looked intrigued at Jean's suggestion.
[Are there any, whaddya call 'em, those tong things--]
[--LOGAN! I never needed to know that about your sex life.]
The Professor's mental voice cut through their petty squabbles. {I realize that you are all adults, but you will always be my children. This means that I never want to know anything, ever, about your sex lives. I don't even want to know that you are having sex lives. Is this clear? Don't force me to start discussing *my* sex life.}
Everyone winced.
Scott, clad in Bugs Bunny pajamas, staggered into the hallway. "Hey, skunk bear."
Logan had given up on his latest orgasm by this point and had pulled on a pair of boxers. He stood, arms crossed against his chest. His extremely muscular and yummy looking chest, Jubilee noted to herself.
"One-Eye?" he growled.
After he reached the doorway, Scott pitched something at Logan. "There. Those are the keys to my new Expedition. Go defile it or something, will you?"?
Logan lit up like it was Christmas morning and there was a lifetime supply of beer, cigars and blowjobs under the tree. He clutched the keys to his chest and started for the door.
"Hey!" Rogue exclaimed indignantly. "What about me?"
"Oh. Heh."
She glared at him while wrapping herself up in the sheet, toga style. "C'mon, you big jackass. Let's go, before we piss anyone else off."
"Baby, are you mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you? It's not like you ever forgot me somewhere because you were so involved in following a brand new motorcycle. Oh wait, you did. Oh, and remember the time you promised to pick me up at the airport? Remember what you did instead?"
Rogue's bitching got further and further away, until there was silence.
Jubilee was so happy she hugged Scott. He patted her on the back, then lurched back to bed.
*Finally* there was peace and quiet in the x-mansion. Jubilee sighed in relief as she crawled back into bed. Then she heard it. Moaning. She didn't understand it, because it was in French, but some things were universal.
From throughout the mansion, one word was yelled by everyone at the same time.
"REMY!!!!!"
THE END!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 01:38 pm (UTC)That made me bust out laughing, Lex. Hilarious! Who needs redeeming value when you have paper thin walls and the disturbing visual of Professor X's sex life?
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 02:16 pm (UTC)Amy and Adam, circa 2000. There was a time where their headboard shared a wall with my desk. ::weg::
I threw Remy in there at the end for you. :->
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 02:46 pm (UTC)And I appreciate the Remy inclusion, I really do. But inquiring minds want to know...is he shouting in French because he's REALLY down with the self-love or is someone with him? LOL.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 03:13 pm (UTC)Remy never struck me as the kind of guy that had the opportunity for self-love. I'm thinking that he's not lacking for partners.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 03:58 pm (UTC)Scott in Bugs Bunny pajamas! That image had me giggling like crazy.
Xavier not ever wanting to know about his children's sex lives! Some things are universal.
And "REMY!!!!!" So damn funny.
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 10:51 pm (UTC)I'm glad you liked it. :-)
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 06:03 pm (UTC)Rogue and Logan's relationship is just too adorable and silly and smutty. Love it. Write more, never stop!
no subject
Date: 2006-08-08 10:52 pm (UTC)Crappy fic ?!?
Date: 2006-08-08 10:26 pm (UTC)God forbid you should decide to write non-crappy fic because my ego simply couldn't cope ... I would re-file this under "not-crappy, v funny, cute foof." But that's just me.
So many great lines in this, but my favourite: "Logan, you're a sex god. We all know it, we all bow down to your almighty cock, now can you put it away so we can get some sleep?" Jubes pleaded. I can just hear her snarky voice when I read this ...
Keep with the crappy. Loving it.
Jaq
Re: Crappy fic ?!?
Date: 2006-08-09 03:02 am (UTC)I have this weird internal prejudice against my own writing, particularly when it's not a 'serious' topic.
Ahh, Logan and his almighty cock. :-)
My personal favorite line is the one about the lifetime supply of cigars, beer, and blowjobs. LMAO!
no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 03:44 pm (UTC)but I am enjoying feeling the urge to write again.
We are enjoying your urge to write again too!
no subject
Date: 2006-08-11 04:54 pm (UTC)