i *really* miss witchblade.

[crankylex]

TITLE: "How Not To Get Laid", by Ian Nottingham
AUTHOR: Lex
EMAIL: lex@bitchenvy.com
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: All Witchblade characters belong to someone other than
me. This work is not-for-profit fanfiction, and no infringement is
intended.
SYNOPSIS: A how-to guide, courtesy of Mr. Nottingham.
THANKS TO: Lynn, for #10.

=================================================

_How Not To Get Laid_
By Ian Nottingham

1. Stalk the object of your affection. If she sees you constantly,
everywhere, she will eventually give in and love you.

2. Read up on masochism. Defintely a turn-on.

3. Be sure to fondle your dead parent's amputated limb in front of
her. Family ties are important in a prospective mate.

4. Break into her apartment at least once daily and do simple
household chores for her, like food shopping. Or washing her
underwear.

5. Kill all rivals for her affection. In front of her. This will
demonstrate your manly prowess.

6. Be as vague and as cryptic as possible. Hey, it worked for
Angel.

7. Explore alternate ethnicities.

8. Put a contract out on her life. Then you can 'save' her. All
women love heroes.

9. Practice your seduction technique on her evil twin. This is an
invaluable opportunity to get a feel for 'the lay of the land'.

10. Buy a dog. Chicks love dogs.

Comments

[smithereen.livejournal.com]

LMAO! This is hilarious. 3, 4, and 5 are my faves. And...is it weird that I wouldn't mind it if a guy broke into my house and did my household chores? I mean...SOMEONE should do them. And I'd hate for it to be me. *g*

[malisita.livejournal.com]

Bwahahahahaha. I mean, really, if a stalker is going to do your chores, then where's the bad?

Clearly grocery shopping wasn't enough. See, maybe if Ian had just scrubbed her toilets, Sara would've knuckled under to his declarations of undying love?

Lex...this made me grin like an idiot. Hee.

[crankylex.livejournal.com]

I think the way to her heart was the Buell...I mean, if he'd used a little chrome polish and changed the oil? She'd have been alllll over him.

Lex...this made me grin like an idiot

This is only payback for the times that I have laughed like a madwoman at work while reading your posts. ;-)

[crankylex.livejournal.com]

Hell, *I'd* sleep with him if he did my housework. There's no telling what I would do if he did my windows.

::grin::

Glad it made you laugh.