(no subject)

ATTENTION RETAILERS:

I realize that ultra low rise is THE LATEST THING in pants. I also realize that low rise looks good on plenty of women.

However, many of us who are fat, particularly in the upper gut area, look absolutely hideous in low rise jeans.

Just FYI.

Please make an effort to make at least a few pair of jeans that will actually reach my waist.

No love,

Lex

(no subject)

Dear Amy,

You are eight and a half months pregnant. I know you are aware of this as you are constantly bemoaning your fatness. Due to the impending birth of my nephew, we as a family are all EXTREMELY HIGH STRUNG.

Therefore, when you call me a total of four times, on two different phones, in the span of five minutes and then refuse to answer when I try to call back, do not be surprised when I appear in your living room minutes later, winded, panicked and IN MY BATHROBE, water streaming from my hair.

Please understand that the appropriate response to my gasped, "Ohmygodwhathappenedareyouokaywhat'swrong?" is NOT "The internet is broken."

Please do not do that ever again. My heart cannot take it.

Love,

your cousin